Blah Blah Fucking Blah...
What you don’t understand is that what you did was really shitty, and not worth forgiving. You made me fall in love with you, only for me to find out you were using me to get to your brother. Do you not understand why I trusted you, or why you were the only person I told everything to?! Because I fucking loved you, Everett. You made me feel like I was worth more than I was getting and now the only thing you did was shove me in deeper.
God Becca, you don’t think I fucking understand that? Do you think I like the way I feel? I’m fucking disgusted with myself. I…I hate myself. For what I did to you. To him. Yes, I was using you. But not to get to him. I was trying to stay away from him. I did and still do care about you Becca, whether you believe it or not. I fucking care. I wasn’t lying when I said you were the exception to all my rules. You don’t know how hard I tried to make myself love you. I wanted to love you, Becca. So fucking bad, but I couldn’t. God… I just couldn’t. What I felt for you was the closest I ever got to love. For anybody and I fucking swear that to you. I hate myself for how feel about him and how I treated you. You are worth so much more and I’ll forever be sorry for what I did. Forever.
(Source: undapper-ev, via -beccaberry-deactivated20120128)
You really expect me to not give you shit after what you did? Wow.. you must be really fucking stupid then, Everett.
Yeah, I’m a fucking idiot. This shit isn’t new information. Anything else you’d like to say? I’ve said I’m sorry a hundred fucking times, but if talking about me makes you feel better, go right ahead. Whatever you have to say is probably true.
(Source: undapper-ev, via -beccaberry-deactivated20120128)
Ah, I understand. My parents were like that.
Guess you could say I brought it upon myself. Not exactly the model son they’d like me to be.
(Source: undapper-ev)
I guess Karma’s a bitch isn’t it?
Probably is and I probably deserve it, but I really don’t need your shit about it now Becca.
(Source: undapper-ev, via -beccaberry-deactivated20120128)
Er, right. Sorry. Well, go to the store..or someone’s house.
Would, but the parentals are finally home. Can’t do anything without facing the fucking Spanish Inquisition.
(Source: undapper-ev)
Are you, uh…okay?
No, I’m not. Did you not read the damn part about me being out of fucking alcohol?
(Source: undapper-ev)
Fucking Sir Jack Daniels, Mr. Whiskey, and Dr. Vodka aren’t cutting it and I’ve run out of cigarettes. Fuck me.
I just need to get out of here…. I’m so damn tired.
The quiet strums of a guitar filled the otherwise relative silence of Blaine’s room. It’d been his only form of relaxation since Austin had taken off earlier that day, leaving Blaine rather unfortunately to his own thoughts. Normally Blaine treasured the silence—after all, that was pretty much all the house was when their parents and Everett were all away—but ever since finding that journal.. Well, the silence brought with it an idle mind, and an idle mind quickly filled up with worries, concerns, and even a little fear. How was he supposed to approach this? Should he address it at all? Would Everett get angry? Goosebumps chased down his skin as he recalled what he’d read for the umpteenth time, and still after all the hours that’d passed, everything still felt so unreal.
And so instead, Blaine decided to occupy himself with singing. It was easy and simple and didn’t require much thought especially when the songs were products of his own creativity. He recalled the snippet of the song he’d sang to Austin the day before during their stint in the kitchen and started to strum the guitar equivalent to the piano portion of the song. “I’ve been alone, surrounded by darkness.. I’ve seen how heartless the world can be,” His thoughts started to stray from Austin to Everett, and back again, marveling at just how exchangeable the lyrics were when it came to the two. “I seen you crying, and it felt like it’s hopeless, I’ll always do my best to make you see..”
It was on that brief intake of breath in between words that all hell broke loose. Blaine was on his feet in an instant, the blood all draining from his face and leaving him sickly pale. He hadn’t seen Everett like this, well.. Ever, and as soon as he saw he journal being waved in his face, he knew the anger was well warranted. The entire world just sort of collapsed around him, and suddenly sinking into the floor sounded like best, most plausible option the ex-Warbler had in their current situation. He took an involuntary step back despite the fact that it slowly started to sink it that Everett wasn’t angry at him for reading the journal, but rather this yelling.. It was a product of fear.
Moving as slowly as he possibly could as if Everett were an easily-startled wild animal, Blaine placed the guitar on his bed and held up both hands. He couldn’t bring himself to look Everett in the eye, not after what he knew. Every part of him wanted to scream that question, but he placed a quaking hand on his twin’s wrist and carefully lowered it so that the journal was no longer separating them. “Yes,” he answered quietly after a pause, and surely the rapid thump of his heartbeat overshadowed the word anyway. “I—Well, I.. Last night.. I saw it, and I was just so curious. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have. It was wrong of me, and..”
Blaine averted his gaze to the floor, ashamed by a situation that was his own doing. He’d caused this. His carelessness. His inability to mind his own business. When he looked up again, hazel eyes were intensely focused on a face near identical to his own, and he swallowed the knot in his throat. “Is it true?” He asked softly, slowly digging his own grave by continuing a train of thought that should have crashed he instant he read the notebook. It wasn’t his to see, and this wasn’t his to know.
The moment Blaine’s soft hands precariously wrapped around his wrist, Everett recoiled immediately on contact. “Don’t touch me.” He gritted out behind clenched teeth as he stepped back from his twin, the notebook still tight in his grip, incriminating words practically burning in his skin. Never before had he felt so…exposed. The carefully constructed heavy-duty walls he always hid before now lay before him in pieces. The whole “Nothing hurts me” act crumbled before his very eyes because there were many cracks in his shields. Cracks made by no other than Blaine. The one person in his world who could ever make him truly feel something other than hate or irritation. The only person who could make him hurt and something told Everett that that’s exactly what he’d do in following moment.
His prediction proved to be correct with the next words falling from Blaine’s mouth. The admission and then the nervous question coming right after. The pressure inside his chest grew by tenfold and Everett gaped like all the air had been sucked out of the room. Of course he wasn’t angry with Blaine in the slightest, but that didn’t stop the white hot rage from welling up inside of him. And it definitely didn’t stop him from abruptly turning around and forcefully punching Blaine’s door frame. “Dammit Blaine!” The shaking in his voice took away from his bravado and his eyes began to prickle not just because of the sharp pain from smashing his already injured hand, but also because he just didn’t know what to say. Or how to say it.
If someone were to have told Everett that this day were to come, he would have told them to fuck off and then proceed to drink himself silly. Maybe even go out for a smoke. However, here he stood. Back turned to his brother as he scrambled to find the words to piece together a good enough sentence without breaking down completely. There wasn’t a bottle of Jack or pack of smokes in sight and Everett was at a complete lost as what to say. “Just fuck! Why the hell couldn’t you have just stay the fuck out of my business, for Christ’s sake!” Everett just couldn’t bring himself to face his brother; his beautiful innocent brother, and reveal to Blaine how sick he was inside. His self-hatred has never been so high before and Everett wanted nothing more than for the world to swallow him up right then and there. To just disappear and never come back.
Squaring his shoulder, Everett turned back around and cleared his throat before whispering a question of his own. “So what if it was, Blaine?” His tone a complete 360 from a few second ago ”What if was true? That I loved you. That I fucking love you.” Everett finally found the courage to look up at his brother and was irritated that Blaine seemed more focused on the carpet than him. “Look at me!” He hadn’t meant to yell, but his impulsive nature had now kicked in.
Everett’s stomach turned as he suddenly realized something. Not once had Blaine met his eyes and there could only be one reason for that. Disgust. That had to be it. Blaine couldn’t make eye contact with him because he was disgusted with Everett’s sick desire for him and it was that realization that lead to the dam breaking. To the tears finally starting to free fall down his face. The hurt he felt right then was so intense that he couldn’t even bring himself to wipe his face out of shame. “What the fuck does it matter?” He choked out as he stared Blaine down, his whole body shaking fron the intensity of the whole situation. This was all too much and Everett just wanted it to end.
(Source: undapper-ev)
(via igoldstar-deactivated20120203)
